Relationships

Relationships....

They come in many different forms. Relationships with friends, family. lovers, pets, co-workers, your boss etc.
Each has their boundaries and limitations. Close friends tend to be open about everything, through good and bad. Some parents have great relationships with their children and become more than a parent, they become their friend. Other times the relationship changes because of certain events in peoples life. This could be marriage, a personal career change, life change, or personal realization.

My relationship with my friends over the years has changed. I can tell you the people I went to high school with I hardly talk to but still have on my Facebook account just in case if I do. I guess its part of growing up? We live our own lives and when everybody is scattered throughout the world we tend to lose touch. I am not talking about everybody falls into this situation, however, the ones who do just accept it and go. I have a few "in person" friends in my life. What I mean by that are people who I associate with outside of work, school, and online. Certain people are best in those realms, while others can be a mixture of the two. I even remember my days in high school and even middle school of having a lot of friends and I can probably count on 10 fingers consistently who I actually hung out with though I knew a lot of people. Why is that? I don't know.

Relationships at work is usually based off of respect and work ethics among each other. We function by what is expected of us and perform accordingly. We keep our lives to ourselves and only share what we feel is relevant or maybe even personal to those who we feel closest too.

Relationship with parents are about the same as close co-workers or friends you see from time to time. Especially if you don't live at home or very close to home or have a strong bond to your parents.

The relationship with my parents is not the same as my older brother is to them. This isn't a jealousy factor. Yes I do want to have the laughs, jokes, social drinks and personal engaging talks he has, but I am not pushing for it nor are they offering it to me. It has to be natural. I feel a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am gay. My dad claims to love me and I believe it to be true, however when I came out to him he said he didn't want anything to do with my life. It was my own. He didn't want to know who I was dating our to bring anybody home. It saddens me because one day I will find an amazing man and he'll know nothing of him. Hell, I could get married and he wouldn't want to know. Sure I can tell him but until he's ready to make the first move, I'll keep my life to myself. My mother is slowly learning of who I am. A few months ago we finally had the talk. I was crying on the phone when she asked if I was gay. She was in denial and I do believe she hopes I snap out of it but she knows I am different and won't change. She says she never made a gay baby and asks why I am the way I am and its hard to break it down without it being a science. She loves me and she knows out of all her sons I am the one who loves her the most, who will sacrifices for her. Am I closest to her? I don't know considering the circumstances but I do know growing up as a child I was.

When I came out and finally accepted who I was after years of denial and fear of judgement I have lived a more happy life. Living my double life was hard. Sure I knew people expected but to assume and to know is two different things. And to accept versus to acknowledge is another too. I just fear that if my parents are so stuck in their ways I will move on, away from them and discontinue my relationship with them. I see that path with my parents is set in motion and it saddens me but you can't force change. It has to be embraced and effortless. I am not saying it isn't without its challenges, but baby steps is a good first move and I don't think they have even begun to crawl. It is a two way street. I can't keep giving myself to them or keep waiting to see if they will come around.

One day I'll be well off. Have a family. Live a great life and when it comes to thanking and acknowledging the people who gave me their support, who do I thank? My friends? Family? Lover? Hardships? Whomever my relationship is strongest with is who I'll thank. They all play a factor but some play more than others, and others fade more and more into the background as time goes forward.