its just a temp thing

I am temporarily leaving blogger. I'm trying to figure out how to work the tabs and for now I am on tumblr since well it doesn't have that option and I can socialize a bit better there in my opinion. but blogger will be my more personal pieces and tumblr more artistic

Another one bites the dust

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interesting development

 my mother called the other day and she just kept yelling at me about my job and where I live and school. Pretty much the usual but I was sick of it and told her not to yell at me. I pulled over to talk to her and for her to blow up on me for no reason is unacceptable. I moved to my new place back in July. I am still pursuing school and I have kept my progression the best I can. I changed my job for more money and in the end its not good enough for her. I'm not doing it for her, I am doing it for me. She more or less disowned me for now or forever? My family does not have a good record for keeping in touch with family members. My mom does not talk to her two sisters anymore and my father does not talk to one of my uncles. Some of it is known by me, and other times it is not. She also said if my brother marries his current girlfriend which I think he will, she will disown him too. What is left now? My little brother. The pressure is on him too. I can predict his outcome too. Move FAR FAR FAR away from mother.

I am trying my best. I am hoping to catch up with my bills in a few months if I plan things correctly.

keep you up posted

His name... is Mathew Knautz

I don't know why I am getting pulled back into this vicious poison of previous relationships. I ask myself why and honestly it is curiosity that fuels it as well as jealousy. I should be happy that I am moving forward but I still play the role of the fool.

Let me recap. I planned an adventure to visit an ex of mine. I wanted to see if the spark still existed. We have been going back and forth on feelings and past memories since the day I flew out of Iowa. The plan was to stay with him for 4 days of vacation and see where it took us. I don't know where it went wrong exactly or if it was a sick game on his behalf but the trip went horribly. I missed my flight, I bought another flight immediately for the next day and when I arrived at the airport, he wasn't there. He never left home. I was stuck in Chicago. When I missed my first flight I assumed and felt horrible that he drove 3 hours to see me to just be there alone. I tried repeatedly to call him and I even texted him my plans for the next day but he didn't answer. He seemed to be in agreement of my new time of arrival when I did make contact and I made sure to include him in my journey more thoroughly. I arrived and was disappointed. I was only in Chicago for 3 hours before flying back around. It was an expensive and regretful trip on my behalf. I felt sick and dirty. Who does that to a person?

I called and left a voice message saying that I will no longer have anything to do with him anymore. Not online, not through email, not through phone. NOTHING. I never blocked him on my phone and expected him to contact me back to apologies and plea with me, but nothing happened. I did block him on Facebook so that cut one outlet of communication out for me. He never tried email. I feel he either took what I said to heart (which he should have) or his efforts were lame.

Today I decided for whatever reason to unblock him and see what he has been up to. I cannot block him again for 48 hours so we'll see how this pans out. A piece of me wants to contact him but I don't know where to begin my words. Whats fueling my urge is unknown. I do know I am a bit jealous. There's this guy who idk... seems like a better match on his Facebook that keeps commenting on him and saying "I love you" and his profile even says in a relationship but doesn't say who. I don't know how long he's known him or if its just a mutual friendship love but I am jealous...

Why?

I know my feelings for him are still there. I do believe people can and do fall in LOVE multiple of times in their lives and those feelings do not diminish easily. but now I feel I am in limbo. What can I do? I've tried to cut the feelings of the past but they grow new roots like weeds. I do know I need to move forward but I also do know that feeling this way is rare and there is nobody like him, despite the fact of his abandonment of me at the airport. I feel I am in an abusive relationship in a sense... its pathetic I know.

Since this unfortunate event I met and became engaged with several people. I am not dating anyone, but their sweetness and the fact we kissed should be enough to tie me down and pull me back. It was a healthy reminder that there are other guys there, but there is only one of "him" in my books. But I can say that about anyone. Some good came from this trip and cutting of ties but the feelings of love is still there for him.

I wonder with all the things he has been posting about love and things he bought and is now in the position to use them because they have to be used considering their original plans never went through was targeted at me.

I am a fool.

and this relationship is unhealthy

but love is poison sometimes

I don't know what to do with myself...