Thursday, November 10, 2011
its just a temp thing
I am temporarily leaving blogger. I'm trying to figure out how to work the tabs and for now I am on tumblr since well it doesn't have that option and I can socialize a bit better there in my opinion. but blogger will be my more personal pieces and tumblr more artistic
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
interesting development
my mother called the other day and she just kept yelling at me about my job and where I live and school. Pretty much the usual but I was sick of it and told her not to yell at me. I pulled over to talk to her and for her to blow up on me for no reason is unacceptable. I moved to my new place back in July. I am still pursuing school and I have kept my progression the best I can. I changed my job for more money and in the end its not good enough for her. I'm not doing it for her, I am doing it for me. She more or less disowned me for now or forever? My family does not have a good record for keeping in touch with family members. My mom does not talk to her two sisters anymore and my father does not talk to one of my uncles. Some of it is known by me, and other times it is not. She also said if my brother marries his current girlfriend which I think he will, she will disown him too. What is left now? My little brother. The pressure is on him too. I can predict his outcome too. Move FAR FAR FAR away from mother.
I am trying my best. I am hoping to catch up with my bills in a few months if I plan things correctly.
keep you up posted
I am trying my best. I am hoping to catch up with my bills in a few months if I plan things correctly.
keep you up posted
Thursday, November 3, 2011
His name... is Mathew Knautz
I don't know why I am getting pulled back into this vicious poison of previous relationships. I ask myself why and honestly it is curiosity that fuels it as well as jealousy. I should be happy that I am moving forward but I still play the role of the fool.
Let me recap. I planned an adventure to visit an ex of mine. I wanted to see if the spark still existed. We have been going back and forth on feelings and past memories since the day I flew out of Iowa. The plan was to stay with him for 4 days of vacation and see where it took us. I don't know where it went wrong exactly or if it was a sick game on his behalf but the trip went horribly. I missed my flight, I bought another flight immediately for the next day and when I arrived at the airport, he wasn't there. He never left home. I was stuck in Chicago. When I missed my first flight I assumed and felt horrible that he drove 3 hours to see me to just be there alone. I tried repeatedly to call him and I even texted him my plans for the next day but he didn't answer. He seemed to be in agreement of my new time of arrival when I did make contact and I made sure to include him in my journey more thoroughly. I arrived and was disappointed. I was only in Chicago for 3 hours before flying back around. It was an expensive and regretful trip on my behalf. I felt sick and dirty. Who does that to a person?
I called and left a voice message saying that I will no longer have anything to do with him anymore. Not online, not through email, not through phone. NOTHING. I never blocked him on my phone and expected him to contact me back to apologies and plea with me, but nothing happened. I did block him on Facebook so that cut one outlet of communication out for me. He never tried email. I feel he either took what I said to heart (which he should have) or his efforts were lame.
Today I decided for whatever reason to unblock him and see what he has been up to. I cannot block him again for 48 hours so we'll see how this pans out. A piece of me wants to contact him but I don't know where to begin my words. Whats fueling my urge is unknown. I do know I am a bit jealous. There's this guy who idk... seems like a better match on his Facebook that keeps commenting on him and saying "I love you" and his profile even says in a relationship but doesn't say who. I don't know how long he's known him or if its just a mutual friendship love but I am jealous...
Why?
I know my feelings for him are still there. I do believe people can and do fall in LOVE multiple of times in their lives and those feelings do not diminish easily. but now I feel I am in limbo. What can I do? I've tried to cut the feelings of the past but they grow new roots like weeds. I do know I need to move forward but I also do know that feeling this way is rare and there is nobody like him, despite the fact of his abandonment of me at the airport. I feel I am in an abusive relationship in a sense... its pathetic I know.
Since this unfortunate event I met and became engaged with several people. I am not dating anyone, but their sweetness and the fact we kissed should be enough to tie me down and pull me back. It was a healthy reminder that there are other guys there, but there is only one of "him" in my books. But I can say that about anyone. Some good came from this trip and cutting of ties but the feelings of love is still there for him.
I wonder with all the things he has been posting about love and things he bought and is now in the position to use them because they have to be used considering their original plans never went through was targeted at me.
I am a fool.
and this relationship is unhealthy
but love is poison sometimes
I don't know what to do with myself...
Let me recap. I planned an adventure to visit an ex of mine. I wanted to see if the spark still existed. We have been going back and forth on feelings and past memories since the day I flew out of Iowa. The plan was to stay with him for 4 days of vacation and see where it took us. I don't know where it went wrong exactly or if it was a sick game on his behalf but the trip went horribly. I missed my flight, I bought another flight immediately for the next day and when I arrived at the airport, he wasn't there. He never left home. I was stuck in Chicago. When I missed my first flight I assumed and felt horrible that he drove 3 hours to see me to just be there alone. I tried repeatedly to call him and I even texted him my plans for the next day but he didn't answer. He seemed to be in agreement of my new time of arrival when I did make contact and I made sure to include him in my journey more thoroughly. I arrived and was disappointed. I was only in Chicago for 3 hours before flying back around. It was an expensive and regretful trip on my behalf. I felt sick and dirty. Who does that to a person?
I called and left a voice message saying that I will no longer have anything to do with him anymore. Not online, not through email, not through phone. NOTHING. I never blocked him on my phone and expected him to contact me back to apologies and plea with me, but nothing happened. I did block him on Facebook so that cut one outlet of communication out for me. He never tried email. I feel he either took what I said to heart (which he should have) or his efforts were lame.
Today I decided for whatever reason to unblock him and see what he has been up to. I cannot block him again for 48 hours so we'll see how this pans out. A piece of me wants to contact him but I don't know where to begin my words. Whats fueling my urge is unknown. I do know I am a bit jealous. There's this guy who idk... seems like a better match on his Facebook that keeps commenting on him and saying "I love you" and his profile even says in a relationship but doesn't say who. I don't know how long he's known him or if its just a mutual friendship love but I am jealous...
Why?
I know my feelings for him are still there. I do believe people can and do fall in LOVE multiple of times in their lives and those feelings do not diminish easily. but now I feel I am in limbo. What can I do? I've tried to cut the feelings of the past but they grow new roots like weeds. I do know I need to move forward but I also do know that feeling this way is rare and there is nobody like him, despite the fact of his abandonment of me at the airport. I feel I am in an abusive relationship in a sense... its pathetic I know.
Since this unfortunate event I met and became engaged with several people. I am not dating anyone, but their sweetness and the fact we kissed should be enough to tie me down and pull me back. It was a healthy reminder that there are other guys there, but there is only one of "him" in my books. But I can say that about anyone. Some good came from this trip and cutting of ties but the feelings of love is still there for him.
I wonder with all the things he has been posting about love and things he bought and is now in the position to use them because they have to be used considering their original plans never went through was targeted at me.
I am a fool.
and this relationship is unhealthy
but love is poison sometimes
I don't know what to do with myself...
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Bad Habits
We all have our bad habits.
Some worse than other but regardless it is unnecessary and should be overcome.
I overcame one of mine which was nail biting. Now don't get this confused with nail chewing. I bite my nails to trim them since I felt I could do it faster and more convenient with my teeth than with clippers. I did not chew them till they were nubs. Also I am not left handed so it was irritating when I had to which hands to trim.
How I over came it? I'm not sure. I just realized my nails were very long and that they should be trimmed but I didn't have the urge to bite them. Instead I waited till I got home, pulled out my nail file and went to town on them. They are now smaller, clean with a blunt end. Supposedly the nails are supposed to be square at the ends for males.
The only thing I am getting used to is typing with nails since I usually bite them to be smaller. I don't know how women do it with their long nails.
Some worse than other but regardless it is unnecessary and should be overcome.
I overcame one of mine which was nail biting. Now don't get this confused with nail chewing. I bite my nails to trim them since I felt I could do it faster and more convenient with my teeth than with clippers. I did not chew them till they were nubs. Also I am not left handed so it was irritating when I had to which hands to trim.
How I over came it? I'm not sure. I just realized my nails were very long and that they should be trimmed but I didn't have the urge to bite them. Instead I waited till I got home, pulled out my nail file and went to town on them. They are now smaller, clean with a blunt end. Supposedly the nails are supposed to be square at the ends for males.
The only thing I am getting used to is typing with nails since I usually bite them to be smaller. I don't know how women do it with their long nails.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Relationships
Relationships....
They come in many different forms. Relationships with friends, family. lovers, pets, co-workers, your boss etc.
Each has their boundaries and limitations. Close friends tend to be open about everything, through good and bad. Some parents have great relationships with their children and become more than a parent, they become their friend. Other times the relationship changes because of certain events in peoples life. This could be marriage, a personal career change, life change, or personal realization.
My relationship with my friends over the years has changed. I can tell you the people I went to high school with I hardly talk to but still have on my Facebook account just in case if I do. I guess its part of growing up? We live our own lives and when everybody is scattered throughout the world we tend to lose touch. I am not talking about everybody falls into this situation, however, the ones who do just accept it and go. I have a few "in person" friends in my life. What I mean by that are people who I associate with outside of work, school, and online. Certain people are best in those realms, while others can be a mixture of the two. I even remember my days in high school and even middle school of having a lot of friends and I can probably count on 10 fingers consistently who I actually hung out with though I knew a lot of people. Why is that? I don't know.
Relationships at work is usually based off of respect and work ethics among each other. We function by what is expected of us and perform accordingly. We keep our lives to ourselves and only share what we feel is relevant or maybe even personal to those who we feel closest too.
Relationship with parents are about the same as close co-workers or friends you see from time to time. Especially if you don't live at home or very close to home or have a strong bond to your parents.
The relationship with my parents is not the same as my older brother is to them. This isn't a jealousy factor. Yes I do want to have the laughs, jokes, social drinks and personal engaging talks he has, but I am not pushing for it nor are they offering it to me. It has to be natural. I feel a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am gay. My dad claims to love me and I believe it to be true, however when I came out to him he said he didn't want anything to do with my life. It was my own. He didn't want to know who I was dating our to bring anybody home. It saddens me because one day I will find an amazing man and he'll know nothing of him. Hell, I could get married and he wouldn't want to know. Sure I can tell him but until he's ready to make the first move, I'll keep my life to myself. My mother is slowly learning of who I am. A few months ago we finally had the talk. I was crying on the phone when she asked if I was gay. She was in denial and I do believe she hopes I snap out of it but she knows I am different and won't change. She says she never made a gay baby and asks why I am the way I am and its hard to break it down without it being a science. She loves me and she knows out of all her sons I am the one who loves her the most, who will sacrifices for her. Am I closest to her? I don't know considering the circumstances but I do know growing up as a child I was.
When I came out and finally accepted who I was after years of denial and fear of judgement I have lived a more happy life. Living my double life was hard. Sure I knew people expected but to assume and to know is two different things. And to accept versus to acknowledge is another too. I just fear that if my parents are so stuck in their ways I will move on, away from them and discontinue my relationship with them. I see that path with my parents is set in motion and it saddens me but you can't force change. It has to be embraced and effortless. I am not saying it isn't without its challenges, but baby steps is a good first move and I don't think they have even begun to crawl. It is a two way street. I can't keep giving myself to them or keep waiting to see if they will come around.
One day I'll be well off. Have a family. Live a great life and when it comes to thanking and acknowledging the people who gave me their support, who do I thank? My friends? Family? Lover? Hardships? Whomever my relationship is strongest with is who I'll thank. They all play a factor but some play more than others, and others fade more and more into the background as time goes forward.
They come in many different forms. Relationships with friends, family. lovers, pets, co-workers, your boss etc.
Each has their boundaries and limitations. Close friends tend to be open about everything, through good and bad. Some parents have great relationships with their children and become more than a parent, they become their friend. Other times the relationship changes because of certain events in peoples life. This could be marriage, a personal career change, life change, or personal realization.
My relationship with my friends over the years has changed. I can tell you the people I went to high school with I hardly talk to but still have on my Facebook account just in case if I do. I guess its part of growing up? We live our own lives and when everybody is scattered throughout the world we tend to lose touch. I am not talking about everybody falls into this situation, however, the ones who do just accept it and go. I have a few "in person" friends in my life. What I mean by that are people who I associate with outside of work, school, and online. Certain people are best in those realms, while others can be a mixture of the two. I even remember my days in high school and even middle school of having a lot of friends and I can probably count on 10 fingers consistently who I actually hung out with though I knew a lot of people. Why is that? I don't know.
Relationships at work is usually based off of respect and work ethics among each other. We function by what is expected of us and perform accordingly. We keep our lives to ourselves and only share what we feel is relevant or maybe even personal to those who we feel closest too.
Relationship with parents are about the same as close co-workers or friends you see from time to time. Especially if you don't live at home or very close to home or have a strong bond to your parents.
The relationship with my parents is not the same as my older brother is to them. This isn't a jealousy factor. Yes I do want to have the laughs, jokes, social drinks and personal engaging talks he has, but I am not pushing for it nor are they offering it to me. It has to be natural. I feel a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am gay. My dad claims to love me and I believe it to be true, however when I came out to him he said he didn't want anything to do with my life. It was my own. He didn't want to know who I was dating our to bring anybody home. It saddens me because one day I will find an amazing man and he'll know nothing of him. Hell, I could get married and he wouldn't want to know. Sure I can tell him but until he's ready to make the first move, I'll keep my life to myself. My mother is slowly learning of who I am. A few months ago we finally had the talk. I was crying on the phone when she asked if I was gay. She was in denial and I do believe she hopes I snap out of it but she knows I am different and won't change. She says she never made a gay baby and asks why I am the way I am and its hard to break it down without it being a science. She loves me and she knows out of all her sons I am the one who loves her the most, who will sacrifices for her. Am I closest to her? I don't know considering the circumstances but I do know growing up as a child I was.
When I came out and finally accepted who I was after years of denial and fear of judgement I have lived a more happy life. Living my double life was hard. Sure I knew people expected but to assume and to know is two different things. And to accept versus to acknowledge is another too. I just fear that if my parents are so stuck in their ways I will move on, away from them and discontinue my relationship with them. I see that path with my parents is set in motion and it saddens me but you can't force change. It has to be embraced and effortless. I am not saying it isn't without its challenges, but baby steps is a good first move and I don't think they have even begun to crawl. It is a two way street. I can't keep giving myself to them or keep waiting to see if they will come around.
One day I'll be well off. Have a family. Live a great life and when it comes to thanking and acknowledging the people who gave me their support, who do I thank? My friends? Family? Lover? Hardships? Whomever my relationship is strongest with is who I'll thank. They all play a factor but some play more than others, and others fade more and more into the background as time goes forward.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
First day of school.
Today is my first day of school and it was raining. No, thats a good thing! its been in the hundreds for weeks so any little rain is greatly appreciated. Unfortunately the mugginess starts right after with the sun saying hello again.
I thought I had class at 10 and was running late. A lot of new students and old students rushing to get to their classes. the parking garage was full and they decided to make it a "key holders" only option because of it. grrr
My class starts at 1230 so I was early so it was a good thing. I eventually found parking but the walk from it is a warm one. I start out with Psychology. Drugs, Alcohol and Social Behavior I think it's called. It should be interesting. I don't have my books yet, but it should arrive tomorrow or early next week. I know one book is coming from Tennessee and the other is coming from Arlington. Both close so a 3 day delivery is expected in my opinion. Afterwards I have History. I am not looking forward to that but I'll touch it out with my laptop in hand :)
Maybe later I can have a dinner/date with Ross. More details on that later...
I thought I had class at 10 and was running late. A lot of new students and old students rushing to get to their classes. the parking garage was full and they decided to make it a "key holders" only option because of it. grrr
My class starts at 1230 so I was early so it was a good thing. I eventually found parking but the walk from it is a warm one. I start out with Psychology. Drugs, Alcohol and Social Behavior I think it's called. It should be interesting. I don't have my books yet, but it should arrive tomorrow or early next week. I know one book is coming from Tennessee and the other is coming from Arlington. Both close so a 3 day delivery is expected in my opinion. Afterwards I have History. I am not looking forward to that but I'll touch it out with my laptop in hand :)
Maybe later I can have a dinner/date with Ross. More details on that later...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)